running low on steam

So I’ve been the dramaturg for “One Mad Day” for about two weeks now, and some of it is really cool, and some of it just leaves me wondering what the hell I’m actually doing here. I’ve been doing a lot of the physical warmups with the cast because they need an even number of bodies and I’m usually wearing sneakers, and some of that has been fun, but a lot of it has pretty much been reassuring me that acting is not really one of my talents, or at least not improvisational acting. Some of it I think I could do, but I need a character to become, a backstory, instead of just a situation and an adjective. Maybe with me it isn’t even acting. It’s just finding some part of myself that I don’t think about too often. In which case it’s not acting in the sense of pretending, it’s just… bringing other parts of myself to the surface. Which doesn’t really work for “grab the cookie” or anything like that.

We’ve started actually rehearsing somewhat, and then especially I don’t know what my role is exactly. To listen, I guess, and speak if I’m spoken to? I’m not used to having that passive of a role, and it’s been hard for me to learn to keep my mouth shut when I have ideas because ultimately that’s not what I’m there for. I don’t think. And then part of me just starts feeling tired and useless and empty by the time rehearsal is over and I go and collapse at home and try to figure out how to put myself together again.

Sometimes the idea of finally letting gravity take over is extremely tempting. There’s only so long you can stand upright without something holding you up. But those are dark thoughts for so early in the day.

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