So we had psuedo-sex, making real love… I think.
3rd base it is, then.
And it didn’t feel unnatural.
I didn’t know before what they felt like, so smooth and soft and hard.
I wonder what he is thinking, if he’s thinking of the girl that eats messily or asks questions and then hides in his shoulder.
I am lucky.
[this stuff is really weird to look back over. knowing that i was so wrapped up in someone who, ultimately, was not worth it, and being able to see that so painfully clearly now. it’s like a story that i’ve heard before, a trope overused in television shows and movies.]
Semen has a very very distinctive smell, once you recognize it. I think I thought that coming would be like a water hose. It isn’t. The entire affair is more subtle, really.
It’s a bit odd, being frank about sex, even if it’s just to me [sic]. There’s an element of awe, I suppose, of “so this is what a penis feels like,” or feeling his hands inside of me, or even my own hesitant finger, exploring.
We are young. The commercials of ED are weirdly amusing – it’s not a problem I’ll ever have to worry about with him at this time. I dunno. Sometimes the hunger just aches within me when he isn’t there.
Somehow my stomach still clenches for a second or two when I remember him saying various things. It isn’t a bad feeling, just a nervously, excitingly alive one. I have this disconcerting power to turn him on. Weird thing to think about…
I’m glad to be writing again, properly.
[upon rereading it later, apparently]
And it’s weird to come back the next day, after feeling it again, and being surprise by my naiveté.
so he was breathing and his mouth would open and close with his eyes fluttering open as though he were savoring the taste of each breath of air and he reached up to kiss me convulsively and said ‘this is going to be new’ with what voice he had and then he came, truly came, and I didn’t mind, and then he was breathing hard and it was over.
orgasm. finally i have an image.
he called me brave. for saying what i have said first, without precedent.
i’ve never thought of me as brave. i’ve always been scared. saying that i liked him was the first and hardest thing to do.
playing catchup with various emotions…
so on Saturday I had two almost-orgasms. It scared me, to be honest, because I lost control of my body and things started working automatically that I hadn’t known worked like that… and last night, lying on my bed in the heat and missing him, I realized where my clitoris was … educational, no?
and today when I could finally see him it didn’t work. we do something alone the lines of experimentation almost every time we are together, and I’m almost always the one who starts it. probably isn’t too healthy, but I’m so curious about this new world and this new power and I want to make him happy. so badly.
and then Kelly slipped me a note, not saying that she had forgiven me, but that she missed me as a proper friend.
things have changed so much.
so many new factors to juggle, so many new requirements for diplomacy and keeping everyone happy.
sweet thundering rain.