this is what has happened

this happened yesterday:

i have often been to this cafe/ bar and loved it.  i don’t personally know any of the people killed, but they were members of the seattle theatre and music community – friends of friends.  and i have many sad friends today.

the carjacking took place a few blocks away from my apartment.  i walk by that parking lot every day on my way to work.  i did so again today.

the past few days have been very grey, and my mood has not been in a good place to process that for unrelated reasons.  now the grey is that much more oppressive since so much of the city is in mourning.  it is a physical weight on my skin and at the bottom of my lungs.  

i suppose i’m lucky, because i haven’t been this sad for a while.  i remember “whole days would go by, and later their years” (exaggeration courtesy of o’hara) that felt full of this grey and it became nothing that unusual or worth commenting on.  i’ve been pretty happy for nearly a year now.  

the one trade-off is that when i am happy i am less creatively productive.  i’ve realized that the same part of me that makes me write is what makes me love – and when i have someone to love, i don’t have the same need to write.  when i don’t have someone is when i am most productive.  it’s the mathematics of the allocation of resources.  natural and frustrating.

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