back to the record

October/November 2005

I feel like I’ve failed, somehow.
It’s been more than a month since I’ve written any real journal entry.
We broke (up). He with me. Because he wants to be single.
And I’ve been breaking and healing and breaking ever since, trying to let go while being so scared of doing so.
Do I still love him?
I don’t know which answer scares me more.
There are so many things that I don’t know.
If today he came and said that he wanted us to be together again, what would I say?
(I had a dream, a week or two ago, in which our faces touched and you whispered that you loved me and I asked you what you meant and you said that you were in love with me.)
and I was so excited waking up until I remembered that it was a dream.
almost completely happy…
have we run out of things to say to each other?
was I really in love with you?
what is going to happen to us?
am I just scared of letting go of the past again?
(because I want to go back in time again to December 9th, 2003.)
do I miss you or the memories?
are we meant to be together?

god.

November/December 2005

I’ve written so little this past year.

I know now that I cannot be your love; I hope I find the strength to be your friend.

It’s over. Understand that. And it was good while it lasted. But it’s over.

And I may dream of things that I wish were true, but I know that reality will not shape itself thus.

Funny. I’ve taken most of the MF’s suggestions in getting over you. Prozac, sleeping pills, trying to fall in love with someone else. [Reference to “I Don’t Want to Get Over You”; at this point have added clove cigarettes, vermouth, Camus]

experience, always experience.
always.

this is the first day of your life (again.)

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