i want my love to be like ‘brand new colony’

“One Mad Day” previews tomorrow, opens Friday.  I should be working on my display for it, or practicing guitar for ensemble practice tomorrow.  

I think for my involvement in the show going home for fall break was kind of a bad idea.  I was already fringe to begin with, and missing cue-to-cue and the first dress rehearsals I think pushed me to the edge completely.  In any case the ‘what-the-hell-am-I-doing-here’ feeling was particularly strong, in part because one person (jokingly, I know) pretty much asked me that question.  Which brought up all the doubts I had been trying to quell – am I doing anything?  Have I really helped at all?  Maybe more to the question – is there really anything of myself that can be seen in it?  Which is more an issue of ego than the point at hand.  But it is true; throughout this entire thing I’ve never really known what exactly my job was supposed to be, what my place was… what I was doing there.  Jac told me from the beginning that she doesn’t use a dramaturg, and I guess that was fair warning.  But for some reason I was chosen for the scholarship, that particular position, over other people.  And whether that’s because of my skill or of Geoff Proehl vouching for me I don’t know.  I wish I did, maybe it could tell me then how much I’m really involved… or at least how much the people with whom I’ve worked think I’ve been involved.
I guess this is becoming a worry because I’m thinking of trying out for directing class one-acts next week, and it’s been a terribly long time since I’ve auditioned for anyone, put myself out there like that.  Interviews, yes, but not something where I just had to be myself only with cleaner language and instead relied on other people’s judge of my talent.  I don’t want to suck, and I don’t want to be pitied, or seen as a theater wanna-be.  I want to see if I can actually act, I want to see what that experience is like because I want to write plays and I need to know what I’m writing, and I want to be good at it.  I want to be good at embodying other people.  I want to be part of that process.  
So a little dark and a little tired right now.  

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