premonitions/ doubts

I wonder what is happening to me.
No feeling is final.
I was afraid of that.
He does always want to be right.
I can live with that, I think. Humour him and let it go.
Why am I pausing? Why am I doubting?
Why am I so scared?
I want this to last. I suppose I want to prove to someone that I
am a better match for him.
So what will that mean? Stay with him until you beat her record?
I hate writing that. I hate thinking that.
I love him, I think, for who he is. I don’t mind his joking, his being a jackass sometimes, because it’s him.
I think.
Maybe I’m just tired.



Am I losing you?
I’m so scared now that I’m shattering and I’m so scared that my fear will make my fears be realized.
So much of me depends on you.
Did I expect too much?
You aren’t the answer to all of my problems. I thought that my drama of wanting you caused the depression, but it’s still here and there’s no reason and I’m sorry that I’m so fucked up and that I fall apart like this.
It’s never your fault, even when it’s something you say or fail to say or do or fail to do that breaks me. It’s mine for expecting too much.
And you can’t know how grateful I am that you’re there when I shatter, that you say you want to be there.
But I’m so scared of losing you. Listening to songs like “Don’t Change Your Plans” and “Come Back From San Francisco” wound me because I can see us so clearly in those situations.
I think at this point that I’d even go to KU with you.
But then I’m crazy about you and just plain crazy because I’m so painfully and so horribly dependent on your every mood and I’m sorry.
Oh God.
I don’t want to be lonely.

I wonder if it’s ending.
I wonder if it really is that you just had a bad day.
You tell me that you love me and I am not comforted.
I’m scared.

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