more angst

I haven’t written for too long.
I don’t know how I feel. Kelly said that she forgave me. Somehow that made everything even more uncomfortable. I treated her shamefully, truly. I think it was the thing to do for me as a person – I hope it was – but definitely not as a friend.
I don’t want to fall in the same patterns that she did with him. I wanted to ask him how I was different from her – can we say insecurity?
I do love him. I think he loves me.
I just wish I could overcome that stumbling block of shyness and ask him to dance.
I should trust him to be kind, to think of me, to be … whatever he is, but I don’t want to take it for granted. I don’t want to turn it into expectation.
I hope he can still talk to me, properly, about feeling things or not feeling things, about what he thinks of this.
Should I talk to him?
Having a fight is inconceivable. I know it will happen, but I can’t imagine it. [it didn’t, actually. neither of us were good at confrontation.]
Nor can I imagine the end.
Can we dream of being dead?

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