It felt like I was dead, somehow frozen and beyond feeling. So many feelings were waiting in the wings – loneliness, anger, sadness, guilt, helplessness – that I couldn’t feel any of them. THere was just tight white silence of things too big to be felt.
Shock. That’s the word I’m looking for.
No matter what I would have said, she would do the same thing.
I have been living in interesting times as of late.
So I have a boyfriend.
So I have a friend that is more than slightly pissed at me, who is cool and distant and unreachable. (My fault.)
So I have a frustrated and stilted and stupid relationship with my father (My fault.)
So I have a newly paranoid mother.
So I have no certainty in school, in story, in friends, in family, in me. (My fault.)
So I have a grandfather with a concussion.
So I have a college search like an anvil around my neck.
I cannot call this winter break shitty because I’ve rarely been this happy.
I cannot call this winter break good because there has been so much shock and so much change.