real start

All envy would be extinguished, if it were universally known that there are none to be envied.
— Samuel Johnson

[after seeing The Last Samurai in the theater]

and they’ll all die, of course they’ll die, but none
shall go to death as eagerly as they…
The true high point of the evening was realizing that our arms were touching, everso faintly, and that you didn’t move away.
I wonder what is going to happen.
I remember seeing your face turned towards mine and made a plain of darks and pale blues by the light of the screen, of meeting your eyes, of realizing that you were looking at me.
[added later]
You called me beautiful. And did all of the things that i’ve been doing – sneaking glances, longing for touch.
You exist.
You really do exist, as do your hands and your face and the warmth of your body and your eyes and your shoulder and your honesty…

I may be presumptuous, I may be putting too great a stress on this, but…

Thank you, God, for this happiness. Thank you for so very, terribly much…
And I almost love him.
[after first kiss]
Ok. So I have to write. So I have to make myself remember this.
I was feeling his face with the tip of my nose, his mine and then I felt the texture of his lips and felt them move and open and catch mine and I tried to work out how he was doing it and I felt the hair below his lip and his tongue, prodding gently, and every so often I’d open my eyes and watch his face for a moment.
There was a lot of spit.
I wonder if I was doing it right.
I wonder how long.
It was the realizing that he wanted to kiss me, that he was taking that first move that floored me.
He said afterwards that he couldn’t look at me directly.
I cannot put into words how it felt to lean back against him.

I hope that I’m being sincere about this.
What worries me is that part of me stands aside, observing, conducting research on every sensation, on every of his reactions.
I can’t tell him about that now.
Maybe I can. I’m a bit afraid to bring it up – can we still talk as candidly as we did before?
I don’t want to lose that.
And I don’t want to lose this either, even though I don’t think I’m doing the right thing, even though the consequences could be severe to so many people.
But I savor the warmth of him, the feel of his holding me.
And I savor the fact that he calls me beautiful, that he is still amazed that he’s touching me.
When I finally touched him he said that he lost words.

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