end of year angst, reflection

Day before finals.
I’m not going to get As in the classes that I’m dancing on the edge.
So it comes down to letting it go.
I’ve done what I can. Maybe I could have worked more, studied harder, not fallen asleep, made a greater effort.
But I didn’t, and there’s not changing that now.
So watch me take my hands off the wheel…
and let it all fall
where it may.
———
I think that we love each other mostly because the love of others proves our own existence. I have hair because you drew my attention to its smell, its shade, its shape in ways that I never before noticed. I know now the number of scars on my hands because you’ve counted them; I notice now the curve of my face and the way I twine my fingers when I talk because I’ve felt your eyes on them.
Do I love you because you introduced me to myself?
I notice the dark of your eyes and the curve of your closed-mouth smile and the way you flash your teeth when you laugh and the planes of light on your face and the callous on your finger and the bit under your lip that doesn’t quite get shaved and your wonderful tangled hobbit hair nad the shape of your nose and the warmth of your body and your hands and your square knuckles and how you laugh when you are nervous and your hands on the steering wheel and tangled with mine and your smell…

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