edging closer

Slitting my wrists with the blade of your presence
ODing on every word that you say
hanging myself on the dreams that you promised
as i’m calling
and falling
away.
—-

The thought of you crying makes me physically sick, almost.
I care about you too much.
But after I heard that part I felt like screaming and I couldn’t eat.
I want you to be okay.
I want you to be happy with your choice.
But I don’t want you to go back to her.
That’s unworthy of me, I know, because I know how much she’s hurting.
How much you’re hurting.
I want to touch you, hold you, talk to you so that you will be all right.
I’m selfish, see, because I want the world back to the way it was before you cried, and started falling apart.
Like me.
Did you really love her?
Do you love her?
And I want to scream with jealousy…

God. Help him.
I’m praying. Do you hear me?
———-

I don’t have a choice over what/how I feel. If I did, none of this would ever have happened.
I have a choice over what I do.
Fear in one hand, hope in the other…
no.
You can’t do this to her, because you know what it feels like.
You can’t do this to him, because you know what ever may happen will not end happily, and you don’t want to hurt him.
(Can’t stop from thinking if it would hurt him more to turn away, if he staked everything on this one trembling chance.)
(no.)
You can’t do this to yourself, because no matter how high you may fly, you are going to fail. Fall.
But I want to, almost.
God?

——–
I’ve said it before.
But no matter how dark my mood, you lighten it with your presence; no matter how light my mood you darken it with your absence.
I want to say I love you.
I haven’t even told you that I like you yet.
And now I’m scared.

—————-
Listening to: R. Carlos Nakai – Chota Spirits
via FoxyTunes

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