it’s been a mild winter, certainly the easiest since i’ve moved up here. the weather has something to do with it. a staple relationship + being in a much better place mental health-wise has a lot more i suspect.
but that doesn’t mean that the grey doesn’t still get to me sometimes. today it was raining and there wasn’t much to do and somehow i couldn’t think about things ever being different. grey wet monotony.
i fear that i’m allowing myself to become a boring person. work has something to do with it. when it’s busy i don’t have the energy outside of work to write, and when it’s not busy i’m too out of shape. and there’s so much more relaxing to get done.
on the one hand there’s the voice telling me ‘hurry hurry hurry you don’t have a moment to waste to get your life started,’ and on the other there is the voice telling me ‘your life has already started, and that doesn’t determine much about where you will be and what you’ll be doing 5 years from now. maybe even 1 year from now.’
the simultaneous feeling of time slipping away and the realization as i grow older how many life-changing events are truly unanticipated. am i giving myself an excuse to not be as in control as i’d like?
it’s difficult to articulate this, beginning to see how winding paths are, and as such how difficult it is to commit to any direction in particular at this time, knowing that it will end up being something completely different.
a crocus has started to sprout. i saw the first robin (migratory thrush) of spring, but it had been flattened by a window or a car or a combination of the two. spring will come. what will come with it?
saw the film ‘kama sutra’ recently, which had been shot primarily at the palace in jaipur where i walked only a few weeks before a bomb went off in a marketplace nearby, close to 4 years ago now. nostalgia upon watching it, and wariness too. the last line of the film is sticking with me. ’my heart was as open as the sky.’
scattered. maybe these are unfocused times. maybe i’m not paying attention to the appropriate locus.
