gogolplex continued

“It has, no doubt, happened to you, some time or another, to hear a voice calling you by name, which simple people explain as a soul grieving for a human being and calling him; and after that, they say, death follows inevitably. I must admit I was always frightened by that mysterious call. I remember that in childhood I often heard it. Sometimes suddenly someone behind me distinctly uttered my name. Usually on such occasions it ws a very bright and sunny day; not one leaf in the garden was stirring; the stillness was deathlike; even the grasshopper left off churring for a moment; there was not a soul in the garden. But I confess that if the wildest and most tempestuous night had lashed me with all the fury of the elements, alone in the middle of an unpenetrable forest, I should not have been so terrified as by that awful stillness in the midst if a cloudless day. I usually ran out of the garden, hardly able to breathe, and was only reassured when I met some person, the sight of whom dispelled the terrible spiritual loneliness.”

–Nikolai Gogol, Old-World Landowners

a strange little passage, tucked almost at the end of a short story which is mostly about an old couple’s love for food, but then also heartbreak, and aging suddenly, and ending with a chilling little aside from the author who has otherwise played almost no part in the story. it’s oddly personal, oddly relatable in the way of childhood terrors, and somehow casts a darker edge across the rest of the story, that while sad is relatively benign. there’s more serious existential melancholy in that passage, and the brief return to the end of the narrative is strange, and the ending somehow stranger. a trailing off rather than an ending. music from another room. is that eliot?

it reminds me of the last line in ‘peter and wendy’: “where children are yooung, and innocent, and heartless.” a chilling unexpected twist that redefines everything that has come before.

gogol was fucking nuts and right now i can’t get enough of his distorted little world.

top 5 songs for 2011

these are songs that i heard for the first time this year, rather than songs that came out this year.  in no particular order:

Adele, “Rolling in the Deep” (video is pretty good too)

TV on the Radio, “Second Song” (also a decent video)

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, “Home” (official video is a hipster’s wet dream and unembeddable – sticking with this one)

The Books, “The Story of Hip-Hop”

John Powell, “Test-Drive” from How to Train Your Dragon

2011 has been a pretty weird year for everyone as far as i can tell.  the first six months were pretty dark for me personally.  the second half of the year has been a lot kinder.

i got no more insight.

“the road,” cormac mccarthy

this isn’t going to be a post with quotes. just finished reading it (a quick read!), and will have to read it again, perhaps soon, to fully appreciate it. i know how it ends now. i know how bad it gets, so i can read not thinking about the plot, worrying about what happens next, and instead study how he does it.

savoring the warmth of blankets right now. the fact that i can smell wet leaves outside from my open window. that my cat just jumped on the bed with me, a very simple animal movement that in the book would be impossible.

the end is more optimistic than i had anticipated. and the last paragraph is lovely.

how different must it be to read after you’ve had a child.

work has reached the point that panic is more rare, except for mondays. without the panic and with a new person filling in my old position, somehow boredom has returned. my sweet spot of stimulation without being overwhelmed is sadly small.

writing had been put to the side during the time of transition. need to get back into it (i always say that!) and get cogs working again however rustily.

been considering lately how little right i have to judge anyone. what’s that quote? everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle?

how lucky we are.

two things

walking through doorways

who left a tree, and then a coffin in the library?

one is memory. how many doors must we walk through to forget something? how many thresholds must be crossed?

one is privacy. i’ve been dwelling on the importance of disclosure, the expelling of secrets and the accompanying ghosts, but there is an essential other side to that view. the preciousness of the intact mystery. leaving things whole rather than cracked open, dissected, explained, with its inherant qualities lost in the process. when is it not our business to know the secrets of others, even when those bleed heavily into our own lives? how do we respect boundaries, or the illusion of boundaries, when things spoken and unspoken control the tides of both parties?

in other news, it is november, which historically has been difficult. the trick now is to make sure my own trepidation does not become the cause rather than an effect of the difficulties.

it does feel different this time. but how trustworthy is that?

the good thing about a lot more responsibility is very rarely being bored at work.

the less good thing is stress putting stomach into knots and no longer having the requisite emotional energy to invest in a book once i come home.

“mother courage,” bertolt brecht

Mother Courage and the Young Soldier are waiting to file separate complaints with the Captain.

YOUNG SOLDIER: It’s no use your talking. I won’t stand for injustice!

MOTHER COURAGE: You’re quire right. But how long? How long won’t you stand for injustice? One hour? Or two? You haven’t asked yourself that, have you? And yet it’s the main thing. It’s pure misery to sit in the stocks. Especially if you leave it till then to decide you do stand for injustice.

YOUNG SOLDIER: I don’t know why I listen to you. Screw that Captain! Where is he?

MOTHER COURAGE: You listen because you know I’m right. Your rage has calmed down already. It was a short one and you’d need a long one. But where would you find it?

YOUNG SOLDIER: Are you trying to say it’s not right to ask for the money?

MOTHER COURAGE: Just the opposite. I only say, your rage won’t last, You’ll get nowhere with it, it’s a pity. If your rage was a long one, I’d urge you on. Slice him up, I’d advise you. But what’s the use if you don’t slice him up because you can feel your tail between your legs? You stand there and the Captain lets you have it.

CLERK: … Be seated!

The Young Soldier sits.

MOTHER COURAGE: And he is seated. What did I tell you? You are seated. They know us through and through. They know how they must work it. Be seated! And we sit. And in sitting there’s no revolt. Better not stand up again – not the way you did before – don’t stand up again. And don’t be embarrassed in front of me, I’m no better, not a scrap. They’ve drawn our teeth, haven’t they? If we say boo, it’s bad for business…

I think you should stay here with your sword drawn if you’re set on it and your anger is big enough. You have a good cause, I admit. But if your anger is a short one, you’d better go.

YOUNG SOLDIER: Kiss my ass.

He exits.

CLERK: The Captain is ready now. You can file your complaint.

MOTHER COURAGE: I’ve thought better of it. I’m not complaining.

She exits. The clerk looks after her and shakes his head.

—–
The question being, is this a short anger or a long one? And how do we keep it going longer?

occupy seattle

the Occupy Wall Street protest, as you probably know, has spawned its own support movements in cities around the US.  while the message is generally the same – and still uniformly inchoate and somewhat incoherent – it’s been interesting noting the regional differences is response to the movement.

a friend involved in occupy atlanta told me, “this isn’t a campaign.  it’s a movement.”  which for me unfortunately has the linguistic connection to bowel movement.  i mentioned this to a participant at occupy seattle a few nights ago.  he laughed and said, ‘how else are we gonna pass this shit out?’

i’m still somewhat ambivalent about the occupy movement, i gotta admit.  i agree with the core principles – corporate america definitely has a disproportionate influence over the political process, and clearly that is not in the best interest of at least 90% of america.  (i’m not necessarily sure about 99%.)  but because this is a movement, not a campaign with clearly outlined issues and goals, there are a lot of agendas floating around, and i’m not sure if i support all of them.  in fact, there are several that i know i don’t support.

i stopped by westlake center downtown (where occupy seattle is headquartered) tuesday during my lunch break.  protesters had put up tents because it is october in seattle and they didn’t want to get wet.  the police had come to take them down – it being against city regulation to put up tents in a public park.  i watched from the outskirts as a few cops calmly broke the human chain surrounding one of the tents.

“cops are the 1%!” the protesters chanted, alternating with, “pigs! murderers! cops!”

which, frankly, i had a few issues with.  namely that cops really aren’t part of the 1%.

apparently a few WTO veterans hung around the park monday and tuesday nights, giving out advice to protesters in case they got arrested.

“if they start using pepper spray and you wear contacts, take them out and throw them away.  that shit can fuck up your eyes permanently.”

the next night i helped a friend pass out pizza to some of the protesters.  when walking to the park from where we parked, we passed a homeless guy camped out in the doorway of sherman & clay – the piano showroom that i pass on my way to work almost every day.

“pizza!” he exclaimed.

“you wanna slice?” my friend asked.  ”it super sloppy.”

“but it’s warm,” the man said when we gave it to him.

when we arrived at westlake we found that someone had already delivered 5 boxes of pizza, so our gift wasn’t quite as appreciated as it might have been.  but it was interesting, milling about the park, watching the protesters lined up on the curb go apeshit whenever a passing car honked in solidarity.  we wound up talking to a photographer from kent for a while, who used the work ‘organic’ more times than i care to count.

‘this is democracy in action!’ he said.

which it is, i think.  but the thing is, democracy isn’t and never has been an end in itself.  i didn’t say that to him.

today i had the day off work and got a latte at a cafe on pine street.  a bit before 4 i saw the protesters marching en masse east up pine, heading to cap hill.  when i finished my drink i drifted in that direction.  there were news helicopters overhead.  police on bicycles rode slowly by the march that was heading back to westlake – checking the internet afterwards, i found out that a planned anti-war protest started at 4.30 at seattle central community college and was making its way back to westlake to join forces with occupy seattle.

i walked alongside of them on the sidewalk, taking pictures, mostly looking.  i took the fliers that people handed to me.

there was some construction on pine heading into downtown.  and i found that it was very easy to step off of the sidewalk and join the march.

“Afghanistan is the 99%!  Iran is the 99%!  Iraq is the 99%”

but not cops?

someone offered me a gummy animal to eat.  i politely declined.

heading into the downtown shopping district the marchers focused on getting more people to join them.  most of the people on the sidelines were taking pictures, like i had.

we banded together at westlake, at which point i found out that there was a planned ‘die-in’ to make a public demonstration that war makes people try to find a clean spot on the pavement and bundle their hoodies under their heads before lying down.  i moved to the sidelines at that point.  a woman carrying a sign lay down beside me.  i could see that her bag had ‘kenneth cole’ embossed on it.

is kenneth cole part of the 99%?

let me be clear, or try to be.  i do think that this movement is a step in the right direction.  but at the same time, i don’t know if i agree with the assertion that all corporations are inherently evil.  i don’t think that a lot of the protesters do either, even the ones carrying signs speaking otherwise.  how many of them are carrying iphones? wearing keens from REI?  hell, even tom’s shoes is a corporation.  so we need to be clearer about what we are asking for.

i need more nuance before i can throw my support in wholeheartedly.  but of course, nuance is hard to fit on a sign.  it’s hard to chant through a megaphone.  i both want a clear plan and automatically distrust any clear plan as being overly simplistic.

i have no clear feelings on this matter at all, except that i am interested in seeing what happens next.

after

been a while!  life has been busy.

1) was in rehearsal again

2) went to CA

3) job promotion in progress

4) major huge work event

i’ve realized that there are only so many areas of life that i can juggle at once.  work, social life, relationship, writing, creative work, doing the dishes… when 4 or 5 of these are in the mix, a ball gets dropped pretty quickly.  or i get stressed and sick and can’t do much anyway.

it is starting to be fall again.  this week has mostly been crisp and sunny – we’re in the honeymoon phase before the dark and wet come forever and stay.

as game of thrones says, ‘winter is coming.’   and i suppose that i’m afraid of that.  the past two winters have been very difficult for a variety of reasons, and there’s the fear that everything will again go to shit when november comes and the sun gets lost behind grey for 6 months.

it’s coming on to being a year since i first started reading frank o’hara and times became very interesting for a while.

necessary to refocus.  i had a goal of finishing a full-length by the end of the year.  time to get properly cracking on that.